One Step At A Time

When you suddenly find yourself single with a child (or children), it can be a nerve racking wave of emotions ranging from absolute devastation to pure white hot rage. I know I myself, and my other single mummy friends experienced those emotions. Then comes the kicker, one day it suddenly dawns on you, “who’s going to want me now?” I know I asked myself that question, more than once. And in all honesty its probably taken me till about now to turn that question around to “Whose going to be lucky enough to have me.”

Chances are that you had been in a relationship serious enough and long enough to produce a child. There is a certain level of intimacy reached after you have been through the rigours of pregnancy and your partner has watched you puff, pant and push your little miracle through the eye of a needle to deliver your precious bundle. You certainly have a bond (and no amount of divorce and separation can really break that), and you wonder how you will ever achieve that closeness again with somebody else. I know I wondered how the hell I was even going to talk to somebody else – let alone go on a date or horror of all horrors, let another man see me naked.

It does take some time to get over these fears, and it is something that I found taking step by step made it a little easier. I quickly realised that I had completely forgotten how to even talk to a man. It sounds ridiculous I know; I had lived with a man for the past eight years; I should know how to talk to a man – and anyone who knows me knows I can talk! But its different talking to your partner than talking to a man you are possibly interested in. Instead of talking about which of you need to do the school run, you need to be a witty conversationalist up on current events. This task seemed monumental to me, and I have to admit, I was scared. If I was approached in a bar I never knew what to say, so often I probably came off a little snobby bordering on rude.

A girlfriend of mine decided I needed a little help with this situation, and I would thoroughly recommend this advice to any single girl (whether yummy mummy or not). She set me up an online dating profile. I was mortified. At the time online dating had a bit of a stigma attached to it and I thought “but I’m not desperate.” But my friend pointed out some valuable advice. It was a place I could “practice” having conversations with men, with no strings attached, sitting on my lounge in my daggy pyjamas and the beauty of it was they didn’t know me (or just how daggy my pyjamas with the love hearts all over them were) and if I didn’t like where the conversation was going or had no interest in them – bang you just shut down the computer.  Eventually there will be someone you speak to that makes you feel at ease, then someone you wouldn’t mind grabbing a coffee with, then maybe dinner. Who knows what could happen after that. You may not date anyone that you meet on a website but it is a great, safe way to chat to other people and help you get ready for the world of the single yummy mummy.

I have had people encourage me with well meaning advice to get over heartbreak including “Just forget about it, go have a one night stand that will make you feel better.” For me, that’s not the case, what I needed was time and some healing. It’s an oldie and cliché, but it’s true, time really does heal all wounds, and once your wounds heal, you’re ready for anything.  So girls, when you’re ready, take it a step at a time and enjoy yourselves.

Moving On … With Pride

In 2010 there were 121,176 marriages and out of those, 50,240 ended in divorce. That’s 792 more divorces than the year before. In this age of increased enlightenment and awareness, where brides and grooms are older and more considered, more than half of all marriages still end in divorce.

Why do so many marriages still end in divorce? The lists of reasons are all the same; adultery, communication issues, physical or emotional abuse, money issues, problems in bed, growing apart, high expectations that remain unfulfilled, family pressures and different backgrounds.

When my marriage broke down, I felt like a failure. How does it get better? What helps you face the day? I found it’s the little things like keeping yourself busy and getting a great support network around you is key. Reconnect with old friends or make new ones. Accept help when it’s offered. Be proud, but not too proud that you don’t accept the help. Sounds daunting, but it’s all these things that helped me. But I had to force myself.

The breakdown of a significant relationship is the second most difficult thing a person will go through in their lifetime after bereavement. It too involves a grieving process. How do we cope? How do we adjust to this dramatic and often unexpected change to our lives? And even harder, when there are children involved, how do we parent our way through it?

What made a huge difference to me was a sense of achievement. Setting myself goals that I knew I could achieve, and once they were done I felt such great sense of accomplishment. These were only small things and would mean various things to different people. I decided to hit the gym four days a week – I stuck to it and looked and felt all the better for it ( I decided it would have to annoy my husband if I looked hotter after breaking up). I started saving for my first overseas holiday (five days in Singapore to stay with friends that lived there). When I boarded that plane I felt like the toughest, most successful woman that had ever graced the Qantas Lounge.

Once you start ticking some goals off the list you will feel a sense of achievement and even more than that, independence. These are things you have done on your own. You know when the kids draw a picture of their family for the first time and they come running over to show you saying “Look what I did Mummy it’s a beautiful drawing” (never mind that you have seven arms and the dog has two heads) that look of bursting pride on your child’s face is how you will feel when you tick a few things off your own list. Once done, I started to feel a sense that I could really do this. I could face one of my worst fears (divorce) and survive.

I Have A Child, Not A Disease

Published on mamamia.com.au on 31st July 2012

One thing I have come to learn is that dating a mum isn’t for every man. Some men don’t want to know that the girl they are with has been in a relationship serious enough to produce a child. And they certainly don’t want to gaze down at this beautiful, sexy woman and be faced with stretch marks, the evidence of past stitches in intimate places and nasty purple c-section scars!

Some men believe that single mums can’t have a ‘single’ lifestyle and go out and away for weekends as they please (to be fair there are some women who may not be able to but I have an amazing support network). Am I a bad mother for dating? Am I allowed to look for a partner while I leave my son with loving carers? Mothers are without a doubt the best organizers and planners you will ever meet, and if a lovely man asks me to go away for the weekend I will find a way to make it happen.

Some men believe that children are a burden or a problem. They don’t want to take it on – ladies if you meet a man like that, you don’t want him! Whatever the reason, dating a single mum is not for everyone – and that really is ok. Just be straight with me. But if you see a stunning woman with a gorgeous smile and a real sparkle about her,you shouldn’t let the fact she has a child stop you from asking her out? You might have a real connection with her. She may be THE ONE. Don’t just walk away. Take a minute. And by the way…I’m not always husband-hunting. Sometimes I just want a good time too. Just buy me a drink or a meal. You don’t have to buy me a ring.

Having my gorgeous son is a huge part of my life and I cannot really remember a time before he was here (I mean I know it existed but it’s a hazy memory). But I still have a full and interesting life. I am who I am because of my view of the world, the people I surround myself with, the activities I am involved in, the books I read and the opinions I form. But mostly I am who I am because – in a dark moment lying in bed crying myself to sleep after my husband left me –I made a decision. I decided that I wasn’t going to be this pathetic creature. I was going to be happy and positive. I was going to be successful and a good mother. I was going to have a wonderful life and date and travel and do all the other things girls in their twenties do. You may be a nice guy I date for a while. We might keep it casual. Or we might hang out for a little longer. But don’t worry, I don’t want you to arrive on my doorstep with a baseball glove and teach *Jimmy to play catch.

Yes I am a mother, but I’m also a single girl. Having a child isn’t all that I am. It is just a part of who I am (a very important part). But I can still date, have fun, let my hair down and have a few drinks.