Is the “Other Woman” really to blame?

Is it really the other woman’s fault?

So we have all by now heard the reports that Kristen Stewart has had a fling with the director of Snow White and the Huntsman, Rupert Sanders who is married with two children. What has really caught my interest here is the comments at the bottom of all the news reports from readers wanting to give their opinion. They range in severity, however the general gist is “Kristen, what were you thinking, that man has a wife and two children, don’t go breaking up a family.” Now don’t get me wrong, yes those readers have a point, however she is just a 22 year old girl who is making stupid decisions. Umm hello?? Don’t you think we are forgetting somebody here?  The tirade really should be “Rupert, you have a wife (and she’s a model at that) and two children, don’t break up your family.”

At what point do we stop blaming the other woman and directing all our rage at her? At some point the men that have had these indiscretions, need to accept some blame and responsibility. It doesn’t really matter who approached who, who made the first move or who decided the affair was a good idea. At the end of the day whether or not another woman cares if the man she is scoping out is married or otherwise taken, no matter how much of a vixen she may be, said man needs to stand up and simply say no. “Sorry love, flattered but I am married and have two kids.” Whilst she has performed stupidity at its best (and in the public eye no less), Kristen is 22 years old, and at nearly twice her age, Rupert should know better.

Does it make it easier for us to salvage our relationship if we send all our hatred and rage in the direction of the other woman so we can believe that our men really did just have a momentary lapse in judgement and we can save our families? Yeah it probably does in the short term.

Does it make it easier for us to sleep at night believing that some evil woman must of used cunning trickery to lure our husbands away and that it could not possibly be that all he was thinking about was … wait, no there was no thinking (well he was thinking with, ahem *something*).

The short answer is it is horrible to be cheated on, whether you have a family or you don’t, but when you do have a family, don’t just aim the firing squad at the other woman, remember there was a man that was meant to be stronger and should have said no.

Oh and PS. R-Patz, I know a few yummy mummies that would happily welcome you with open arms.

Is it ever ok to date your friends ex?

Is it ever okay to date your friends ex? It’s an age old question that begins in teenage years. Somewhere between your first crush and your first boyfriend, you learn not to go after the object of your friend’s desires. If you saw him first, you laid claim to him. As time goes on the “rules” may relax a little, but do they ever really change? By the time you’re in your thirties they are fundamentally the same. Or are they?

I believe myself to be a principled person. All my friends would tell you that my loyalty knows no bounds and I would do anything for anyone I care about. So it was hard for me when I started to realise I had fallen for my friends ex.

I have recently turned thirty and am starting to see that if a remotely attractive man is single he either comes with some unresolved baggage (i.e. may not be quite ready to date yet after the breakdown of a serious relationship), has a major character flaw or is just a plain old player! And whilst the player can be loads of fun he can also be the source of loads of hurt and irritation. So with so many couples’s relationships breaking down these days, we are finding that men we already know are starting to become available.

During my marriage I was very good friends with the couple that lived next door to me, *Daniel and *Alison. When my relationship ended, they were so shocked Alison commented that she never would have thought my relationship would end and that she thought her relationship would have been over long before mine was. I recall being surprised that she thought her relationship had an expiry date. Daniel was lovely; he wasn’t the greatest looking guy out there but appeared to be such a genuine, good bloke that it made him instantly attractive (for the record my interest in him didn’t begin until we were both single some time later). They had made noises about separating many times over the couple of years I knew them but it never seemed to happen. Eventually one day Daniel contacted me upset because Alison had finally left and he believed she had started dating another man. We had something in common – I had dealt with the same situation in my life 18 months earlier and I felt so bad for the guy, I started to become a bit of a shoulder to cry on. In an empty comment meant to be comforting, I wished him the best and passed a comment about grabbing coffee next time I was around (also only meant as a friend with a sympathetic ear and understanding of the situation).

Before I knew it Daniel and I had formed our own little friendship. We spoke regularly on the phone whilst he was getting over Alison and before long our conversations became more frequent. After six months or so of friendship something changed and a relationship developed. I will admit that there were times I felt horribly guilty, but there were also times that I felt I was doing the right thing. Here I was completely in love with this man that Alison didn’t want, and had, at times, told me she despised. I was able to completely rationalise and justify to myself that this relationship was not only not wrong in any way, but completely right. After all, she didn’t want him, and boy I did.

After six months or so Alison became aware of my relationship with Daniel. Although completely shocked at first, Alison was actually quite supportive and wanted it to work out for Daniel and I. I am also very, very lucky that after Daniel and I stopped dating, that I was able to keep my friendship with Alison and to this day she is still a good friend of mine and I will always be grateful to her for being in my life.

I don’t think there really is an exact answer to whether or not its ok to get involved with your friends ex, and each individual relationship would be able to have its pros and cons weighed up. But here’s my advice. Ultimately if you are dating your friends ex you will eventually lose your friend in some capacity. Your loyalty will end up being to your partner and your friendship will suffer, so be prepared to give up that friendship as you currently know it. I strongly believe that relationships take work and if a couple is going through a break up, don’t get involved in the early stages. If you care about either party at all give them a chance to work things out before you come on the scene. Most importantly, be careful, there is no rational thinking when it comes to affairs of the heart and you don’t want yours to be the one that’s broken, with no friend there to turn to.

So would I do it again? No. I was lucky that I had an experience that turned out the way it did where I got to keep my friend (in fact we laugh about it now). But I value my friendships to highly to jeopardise them now … after all they are the ones there with the box of tissues, a bowl of ice-cream and some chocolate when a boy makes me cry.

 

Fake It Till You Make It

Break ups are bloody hard, for everybody, not just the yummy mummy. However I have to say that its my belief that break ups are always the hardest when they are involving children. As a mother you are worried about your kids, their poor little hearts and how they are coping, and as a woman you’re dealing with your own broken heart. It’s a juggling act each day which one comes first and gets more attention. And for the record, whether you’re the one being left or the one doing the leaving, serious relationships breaking down when kids are involved suck just as much on both sides.

I found it humiliating when my ex husband and I separated. I mean really its embarrassing having to admit to yourself that your partner no longer wants to be married to you, let alone anybody else. The worst part is running into people you haven’t seen for some time and having to explain your on your own now. The “oh’s” and “I’m so sorry” and the “you will meet someone else” really did my head in. Eventually I just started saying, “You know, I am actually fine, I have a gorgeous child and its for the best.”

I got used to the line, and one day after I said it, I realised with a shock, “Wow, I actually meant what I said.” I faked it, and I made it.

I am not a particularly huge fan of Katie Holmes, however post split with Tom Cruise, I really admire her poise, grace and dignity. Girlfriend has been snapped daily looking a million bucks but surely on the inside she is still coming to grips with beginning life as a single parent just like the rest of us mere mortals.

So girls, I know it’s hard, but slap on your makeup before you leave the house, wear the outfit you feel best in (no matter what time of day it is, even if it’s a sparkly mini skirt – wear it to breakfast), and force a smile. Hold your head high and put purpose in your step. Before long that smile will become real, and after all that faking, you will one day wake up and realise you have made it.

The Yummy Mummy … A Definition

In doing a little bit of research for this blog, like every great researcher, I consulted my good friend Google. I found a blog written by a gentleman named David Wygant in the UK. My Google search brought up “how to date a yummy mummy” and I instantly thought brilliant! There are instructions for men out there, read on! After about the third line I was mortified at the definition of the yummy mummy.

According to David, the yummy mummy is a woman who has been in a sexless marriage for the past four or five years and once her divorce is finalised she is a promiscuous tiger just waiting for some man to help her roar. They are looking for a man who makes them feel “yummy, delicious and tingly all over. Usually the yummy mummy’s are very naughty in bed because their husbands did not let the naughty girl come out and play.”

Ummm what??

I was shocked by this, and quite frankly a little embarrassed at the stereotype. I mean seriously is that what people think that a single, attractive woman already with children is after. “I already have my kids so to hell with a fulfilling relationship, I am happy to roar around non-committal for the next little while?” Dont get me wrong, I am all for the modern woman embracing her sexuality and getting a bit of her fifty shades on, but seriously, is that really a definition that single mummies want to identify them?

So I did some asking around with my male friends, I was very pleased to hear laughter and a bit of “Is that a joke?” when I showed them the tips from David. The general consensus I was able to get from the guys on what their opinions of a yummy mummy were was “a single mum that you look at and still think, wow, she’s smokin’! Now that’s a definition I am much more comfortable with.

I did a bit of soul searching and thought about what I would want somebody’s impression of my other single mummy friends and I to be, and I have decided on an official definition for the yummy mummy as follows:

“the yummy mummy is a beautiful woman both inside and out. Whether tall or short, big or small, blonde or brunette, she radiates a beauty, warmth and smile from the inside out. She is made of strength and character with an ability to love unconditionally. It is these qualities that make her the gorgeous, yummy mummy.”

Now thats a definition I am happy to be stereotyped with.

Commonsense … Making it Prevail

Common sense …. It’s a beautiful thing isn’t it? Defined as “exhibiting native good judgement”, common sense and love don’t often get put together in the same sentence. In reading this you may be already thinking “but this is just common sense.” Whether we are 17, 27 or 37, as soon as us girls fall in love, commonsense goes straight out the window along with our bad eating habits.

It is funny how the second a potential mate arrives on the scene, in whatever capacity; we have the ability to turn into deranged, AVO-worthy shadows of our former gorgeous selves. We vow that we are going to play it cool and wait for him to call. Before long we are checking our phone constantly to make sure we haven’t missed a call or text, spend all day on facebook making sure he hasn’t checked in anywhere before eventually concluding that he must have tried to call but the phone was in a “black spot” and didn’t have any reception. Now those with some self awareness are probably smirking to themselves or nodding along reading this, and those that aren’t, well ladies you need to have a little closer look!

As the writer of this post I don’t exclude myself from the failing commonsense category. And I think about all the times I did a little of my own facebook stalking while chatting to my friends in a whiney tone wanting to know why he hadn’t called me by a particular time and fully expecting my girlfriends to give me a valid rational answer.  I do ask myself the question, where was my commonsense? I am a grown, confident woman after all. But my commonsense was there, right along with the part of my brain that reminds me to wash my makeup off before I go to bed at night, and you know what, I ignore that from time to time too. When it comes to affairs of the heart, commonsense almost never prevails.

Love is wonderful, amazing, blissful, crazy, and at times, horrible ride. And it can knock our commonsense sideways … but in the end, the result of a loving relationship is worth it.

A Yummy Mummy Date

*Taylor is probably the best dating experience I have had since becoming a single parent.

It wasn’t a great grand love – but it was lovely. And I can honestly say that I entered it with a smile on my face and left it with a smile on my face.

I still remember sitting across the table from him on our first date in nice pub, looking at his smiling face thinking ‘you are just such a nice guy’. That first date was one of the best I had had. My son, *Noah was at a sleepover and I pulled out my phone to send a text to check all was ok, there was no issue (texting others on a first date, especially at dinner is a no no). He asked me enough about myself to understand my situation but not so much that he pried, he asked enough about Noah to show an interest but not so much that he seemed like he was keener on the aspect of me having a child rather than me.

We spent time together and I really enjoyed his company. He never once asked me to meet Noah ( I don’t think this is a criticism he seemed to understand that I would do things in my own time and he was patient). Taylor is an avid sportsman and professional athlete so always was eager to hear about Noah’s soccer games and used to joke around that he would manage Noah’s career when he becomes a soccer star – but always in a lighthearted way with no seriousness to it.

Taylor had a good balance of understanding and support when it came to Noah. If we were on the phone and Noah needed something he would say, go do what you need to and we will chat later. If I didn’t have a babysitter that night, it was never an issue and he understood. He just got it. There are so many parts that make me Jacqui and some days the mum part comes first and some days the other parts do. One thing to always remember is that god made women very special. We have the capabilities to love in the most extraordinary way – to love one child or five if we choose to have them, to love our parents, our siblings, our friends, our lovers. The same way mums always manage to find a little bit of something in the cupboard when unexpected guests drop in – there is always more than enough room in a woman’s heart – especially a mothers heart – to love both her children and a man who is not their biological father.

I also asked Taylor some questions about Noah back when we were dating. I asked him if he had ever wanted to meet Noah and his answer was, “No that’s not my decision to make.” I changed the question to “If I had asked you to meet Noah would you?” his answer was “Maybe, yes, sure. But it wasn’t my call, that’s your decision if you want that to happen.”

I felt a little relieved at this. I had wondered whether he just had no interest in a future but now I realise whether he does or doesn’t, hes letting me decide that in my own time on my own terms. And that is exactly what I believe every single mum wants. Some of us get there fast, some of us get there slow, but as they are our children we want it done on our terms. That’s not to say that we don’t consider how our partner may feel and take that on board, but his acceptance, support and understanding, is what has made Taylor the best experience since becoming a single parent.

Can You Put A Price On Dignity?

There are many things you can lose in a break up. Some possessions, a beloved pet, money and not to mention your heart. But if I can stress anything to you, it is don’t, under any circumstances, lose yourself.

It has often taken many of us years to know who we really are and it can take just one shattering break up to completely lose that girl in one foul swoop. It was my own dance with dignity that prompted me to blog this particular subject, and in particular a little form of my own revenge. I decided to take a leaf from Emily Thorne and get a little of my own back after a broken heart and lots of lies. Without going into detail, it may have involved a little bit of email hacking and the spreading of a false STD rumour (I however felt I was performing a valuable community service informing selected women that had slept with my boyfriend that an STD check was warranted).

I will admit that initially I felt some vindication with my revenge and somehow I was able to justify my retribution to myself. But it only took a very short time for me to look at myself and think “what the hell?” Who was this person who had always held her head up high and could say with honesty that she was a good person? And ultimately what good came of my payback? We didn’t get back together, I didn’t get an apology and in all honesty I probably looked pathetic.

Pride and self-respect are two things, I believe, we cannot survive without. After two shattering heart breaks I learned, and the very hard way I might add, that no good can come from knowing. It is so impossibly hard to walk away from a relationship or be told an excuse for the break up to avoid the conversation. You can go searching for answers, dig up dirt or facebook stalk all you like – but trust me when I say that whatever it is you find will never give you the closure you are looking for. All it will give you is a whole pile of hurt.

So girls here’s my advice, instead of turning into a woman possessed, with detective skills worthy of an FBI Commendation, get off facebook, grab your closest girlfriends and hit the town. Show that man what hes really missing; and in the meantime your pride and self-respect wont go walkabout.

Hola!

I have been busily planning with much enthusiasm my next overseas holiday. Never mind the fact that I just returned from my most recent trip a little over a week ago!

I spent ten days cruising around the South Pacific with three fabulous girls! A great time was had by all and upon my return the questions asked of my travels were not “Did you have a great time? How were the islands, What was the food like?” The question asked was “How did four women cope with each other in a tiny cabin for ten days?”

I have to laugh at this question, it makes me think what do other people think women are really about? I can honestly say that these three lovely ladies and I had the best holiday. There was not so much as sideways glance, a snappy comment or a claw come out during our trip – bearing in mind we had only one power point in our cabin to accommodate four women, two hair straighteners, a hair dryer and a curling iron.

I am grateful I have such gorgeous girlfriends that turned my holiday into a relaxing, fun-filled trip and made me impatient for my next getaway … if only my credit card could say the same thing!