Jennifer Aniston: An Idol For Dumped Women Everywhere

Jennifer Aniston has always been my idol. Before Brad, way back in the days of Friends – and I rocked my own version of the “Rachel” hair-do. I guess they don’t call her America’s Sweetheart for nothing!

I started to feel like I could relate to Jen in recent years after my own divorce. Living in a country town at the time we had our own Jen/Brad/Ange rumour mill, not quite Hollywood, but still. I separated from my husband a month shy of our fifth wedding anniversary. On our actual anniversary I found out he was seeing someone (who he met at work whilst we were still married), six weeks later at Christmas he told me they were moving in together, then six months after that on Mother’s Day I found out they were engaged. His wife has just delivered their twins – a boy and a girl.

I like to believe that I, like Jen, handled myself with poise and grace, and only ever passed comments that were off-hand and nonchalant like, what they did was “really uncool”.

Like Jen I also have had my John Mayer – the fool that thought it appropriate to discuss our sex life drunkenly in the pub to anyone that would listen. Granted it’s not the paparazzi, but needless to say that relationship tanked. I had the Vince Vaughan – the awesomely funny guy that just didn’t happen to work out for one reason or another. Then there has been the smattering of the Gerard Butlers, Orlando Blooms and Bradley Coopers that were fun to date but never really happened.

I get asked who I am dating on a regular basis and people always tell me that I will find “The One”. I don’t want to settle though. I don’t want to get involved in a relationship with Mr Right Now – I am happy to be patient and wait for Mr Right. Just like Jen did. And look what she’s found – a great guy who it appears she has an honest and fun relationship with.

To be honest, I was beginning to think that it would just be me on my own for a long while (something which I am actually quite at peace with). But Jen you have made me think there’s hope for me yet!

When did the Dik-Pic replace courtship?

As published on www.mamamia.com.au 31st July 2012

When did I become the girl that men thought it was okay to send photos of their penis to?

Has classic courtship and wooing of a woman really fallen that far by the wayside? I mean, I realise that times have changed and sex is really just not a big deal but when did it become the accepted practice to send a girl a picture of your appendage instead of a bunch of flowers?

I was recently dating somebody that was an avid penis-photo-sender.  And there were a few times were I casually mentioned that these particular images weren’t really a turn on for me (I mean really what girl has ever said “Now that’s a handsome penis photo!”)

Over one particular weekend we thought we would grab dinner and a movie. As things had been going so well, I was pretty certain what would be happening after dinner and the movie, so like any good girl scout I indulged in some pre-sex grooming and purchased some sexy lingerie.

Around midday I received a text message from my date spelling out what his intentions were for the evening (subtle = not!) accompanied by a photograph of his, ahem, package. Instant turn-off.

I made up an excuse and cancelled. It was honestly the biggest mood-killer I could have encountered. What happened to spontaneity? What happened to flirting? And the biggest worry for me was – why did he think it was okay to send me this? What did that say about me or his opinion of me?

I have been sent photos like this by three separate men. Is it me or is it just part of dating these days?

It’s not as if we are involved in a long distance relationship and we have to utilise other methods to keep the spark alive (Skype-sex anyone?). He lives 15 minutes away. Stop taking photos with your phone, take a girl out for a nice meal and you may find you won’t have a need for these types of photos again! I was planning on sleeping with you stupid. Dump a bucket of cold water on my head why don’t you!

I haven’t written this guy off completely but he’s going to need some training when it comes to how I like to be wooed. Wooing does not include photographs of his anatomy. It does include thoughtful messages, asking how my day was, a nice dinner and pleasant conversation. Perhaps then it will be worth the effort to shave my legs and wear sexy knickers.

One Step At A Time

When you suddenly find yourself single with a child (or children), it can be a nerve racking wave of emotions ranging from absolute devastation to pure white hot rage. I know I myself, and my other single mummy friends experienced those emotions. Then comes the kicker, one day it suddenly dawns on you, “who’s going to want me now?” I know I asked myself that question, more than once. And in all honesty its probably taken me till about now to turn that question around to “Whose going to be lucky enough to have me.”

Chances are that you had been in a relationship serious enough and long enough to produce a child. There is a certain level of intimacy reached after you have been through the rigours of pregnancy and your partner has watched you puff, pant and push your little miracle through the eye of a needle to deliver your precious bundle. You certainly have a bond (and no amount of divorce and separation can really break that), and you wonder how you will ever achieve that closeness again with somebody else. I know I wondered how the hell I was even going to talk to somebody else – let alone go on a date or horror of all horrors, let another man see me naked.

It does take some time to get over these fears, and it is something that I found taking step by step made it a little easier. I quickly realised that I had completely forgotten how to even talk to a man. It sounds ridiculous I know; I had lived with a man for the past eight years; I should know how to talk to a man – and anyone who knows me knows I can talk! But its different talking to your partner than talking to a man you are possibly interested in. Instead of talking about which of you need to do the school run, you need to be a witty conversationalist up on current events. This task seemed monumental to me, and I have to admit, I was scared. If I was approached in a bar I never knew what to say, so often I probably came off a little snobby bordering on rude.

A girlfriend of mine decided I needed a little help with this situation, and I would thoroughly recommend this advice to any single girl (whether yummy mummy or not). She set me up an online dating profile. I was mortified. At the time online dating had a bit of a stigma attached to it and I thought “but I’m not desperate.” But my friend pointed out some valuable advice. It was a place I could “practice” having conversations with men, with no strings attached, sitting on my lounge in my daggy pyjamas and the beauty of it was they didn’t know me (or just how daggy my pyjamas with the love hearts all over them were) and if I didn’t like where the conversation was going or had no interest in them – bang you just shut down the computer.  Eventually there will be someone you speak to that makes you feel at ease, then someone you wouldn’t mind grabbing a coffee with, then maybe dinner. Who knows what could happen after that. You may not date anyone that you meet on a website but it is a great, safe way to chat to other people and help you get ready for the world of the single yummy mummy.

I have had people encourage me with well meaning advice to get over heartbreak including “Just forget about it, go have a one night stand that will make you feel better.” For me, that’s not the case, what I needed was time and some healing. It’s an oldie and cliché, but it’s true, time really does heal all wounds, and once your wounds heal, you’re ready for anything.  So girls, when you’re ready, take it a step at a time and enjoy yourselves.

Moving On … With Pride

In 2010 there were 121,176 marriages and out of those, 50,240 ended in divorce. That’s 792 more divorces than the year before. In this age of increased enlightenment and awareness, where brides and grooms are older and more considered, more than half of all marriages still end in divorce.

Why do so many marriages still end in divorce? The lists of reasons are all the same; adultery, communication issues, physical or emotional abuse, money issues, problems in bed, growing apart, high expectations that remain unfulfilled, family pressures and different backgrounds.

When my marriage broke down, I felt like a failure. How does it get better? What helps you face the day? I found it’s the little things like keeping yourself busy and getting a great support network around you is key. Reconnect with old friends or make new ones. Accept help when it’s offered. Be proud, but not too proud that you don’t accept the help. Sounds daunting, but it’s all these things that helped me. But I had to force myself.

The breakdown of a significant relationship is the second most difficult thing a person will go through in their lifetime after bereavement. It too involves a grieving process. How do we cope? How do we adjust to this dramatic and often unexpected change to our lives? And even harder, when there are children involved, how do we parent our way through it?

What made a huge difference to me was a sense of achievement. Setting myself goals that I knew I could achieve, and once they were done I felt such great sense of accomplishment. These were only small things and would mean various things to different people. I decided to hit the gym four days a week – I stuck to it and looked and felt all the better for it ( I decided it would have to annoy my husband if I looked hotter after breaking up). I started saving for my first overseas holiday (five days in Singapore to stay with friends that lived there). When I boarded that plane I felt like the toughest, most successful woman that had ever graced the Qantas Lounge.

Once you start ticking some goals off the list you will feel a sense of achievement and even more than that, independence. These are things you have done on your own. You know when the kids draw a picture of their family for the first time and they come running over to show you saying “Look what I did Mummy it’s a beautiful drawing” (never mind that you have seven arms and the dog has two heads) that look of bursting pride on your child’s face is how you will feel when you tick a few things off your own list. Once done, I started to feel a sense that I could really do this. I could face one of my worst fears (divorce) and survive.

I Have A Child, Not A Disease

Published on mamamia.com.au on 31st July 2012

One thing I have come to learn is that dating a mum isn’t for every man. Some men don’t want to know that the girl they are with has been in a relationship serious enough to produce a child. And they certainly don’t want to gaze down at this beautiful, sexy woman and be faced with stretch marks, the evidence of past stitches in intimate places and nasty purple c-section scars!

Some men believe that single mums can’t have a ‘single’ lifestyle and go out and away for weekends as they please (to be fair there are some women who may not be able to but I have an amazing support network). Am I a bad mother for dating? Am I allowed to look for a partner while I leave my son with loving carers? Mothers are without a doubt the best organizers and planners you will ever meet, and if a lovely man asks me to go away for the weekend I will find a way to make it happen.

Some men believe that children are a burden or a problem. They don’t want to take it on – ladies if you meet a man like that, you don’t want him! Whatever the reason, dating a single mum is not for everyone – and that really is ok. Just be straight with me. But if you see a stunning woman with a gorgeous smile and a real sparkle about her,you shouldn’t let the fact she has a child stop you from asking her out? You might have a real connection with her. She may be THE ONE. Don’t just walk away. Take a minute. And by the way…I’m not always husband-hunting. Sometimes I just want a good time too. Just buy me a drink or a meal. You don’t have to buy me a ring.

Having my gorgeous son is a huge part of my life and I cannot really remember a time before he was here (I mean I know it existed but it’s a hazy memory). But I still have a full and interesting life. I am who I am because of my view of the world, the people I surround myself with, the activities I am involved in, the books I read and the opinions I form. But mostly I am who I am because – in a dark moment lying in bed crying myself to sleep after my husband left me –I made a decision. I decided that I wasn’t going to be this pathetic creature. I was going to be happy and positive. I was going to be successful and a good mother. I was going to have a wonderful life and date and travel and do all the other things girls in their twenties do. You may be a nice guy I date for a while. We might keep it casual. Or we might hang out for a little longer. But don’t worry, I don’t want you to arrive on my doorstep with a baseball glove and teach *Jimmy to play catch.

Yes I am a mother, but I’m also a single girl. Having a child isn’t all that I am. It is just a part of who I am (a very important part). But I can still date, have fun, let my hair down and have a few drinks.

Is the “Other Woman” really to blame?

Is it really the other woman’s fault?

So we have all by now heard the reports that Kristen Stewart has had a fling with the director of Snow White and the Huntsman, Rupert Sanders who is married with two children. What has really caught my interest here is the comments at the bottom of all the news reports from readers wanting to give their opinion. They range in severity, however the general gist is “Kristen, what were you thinking, that man has a wife and two children, don’t go breaking up a family.” Now don’t get me wrong, yes those readers have a point, however she is just a 22 year old girl who is making stupid decisions. Umm hello?? Don’t you think we are forgetting somebody here?  The tirade really should be “Rupert, you have a wife (and she’s a model at that) and two children, don’t break up your family.”

At what point do we stop blaming the other woman and directing all our rage at her? At some point the men that have had these indiscretions, need to accept some blame and responsibility. It doesn’t really matter who approached who, who made the first move or who decided the affair was a good idea. At the end of the day whether or not another woman cares if the man she is scoping out is married or otherwise taken, no matter how much of a vixen she may be, said man needs to stand up and simply say no. “Sorry love, flattered but I am married and have two kids.” Whilst she has performed stupidity at its best (and in the public eye no less), Kristen is 22 years old, and at nearly twice her age, Rupert should know better.

Does it make it easier for us to salvage our relationship if we send all our hatred and rage in the direction of the other woman so we can believe that our men really did just have a momentary lapse in judgement and we can save our families? Yeah it probably does in the short term.

Does it make it easier for us to sleep at night believing that some evil woman must of used cunning trickery to lure our husbands away and that it could not possibly be that all he was thinking about was … wait, no there was no thinking (well he was thinking with, ahem *something*).

The short answer is it is horrible to be cheated on, whether you have a family or you don’t, but when you do have a family, don’t just aim the firing squad at the other woman, remember there was a man that was meant to be stronger and should have said no.

Oh and PS. R-Patz, I know a few yummy mummies that would happily welcome you with open arms.

Is it ever ok to date your friends ex?

Is it ever okay to date your friends ex? It’s an age old question that begins in teenage years. Somewhere between your first crush and your first boyfriend, you learn not to go after the object of your friend’s desires. If you saw him first, you laid claim to him. As time goes on the “rules” may relax a little, but do they ever really change? By the time you’re in your thirties they are fundamentally the same. Or are they?

I believe myself to be a principled person. All my friends would tell you that my loyalty knows no bounds and I would do anything for anyone I care about. So it was hard for me when I started to realise I had fallen for my friends ex.

I have recently turned thirty and am starting to see that if a remotely attractive man is single he either comes with some unresolved baggage (i.e. may not be quite ready to date yet after the breakdown of a serious relationship), has a major character flaw or is just a plain old player! And whilst the player can be loads of fun he can also be the source of loads of hurt and irritation. So with so many couples’s relationships breaking down these days, we are finding that men we already know are starting to become available.

During my marriage I was very good friends with the couple that lived next door to me, *Daniel and *Alison. When my relationship ended, they were so shocked Alison commented that she never would have thought my relationship would end and that she thought her relationship would have been over long before mine was. I recall being surprised that she thought her relationship had an expiry date. Daniel was lovely; he wasn’t the greatest looking guy out there but appeared to be such a genuine, good bloke that it made him instantly attractive (for the record my interest in him didn’t begin until we were both single some time later). They had made noises about separating many times over the couple of years I knew them but it never seemed to happen. Eventually one day Daniel contacted me upset because Alison had finally left and he believed she had started dating another man. We had something in common – I had dealt with the same situation in my life 18 months earlier and I felt so bad for the guy, I started to become a bit of a shoulder to cry on. In an empty comment meant to be comforting, I wished him the best and passed a comment about grabbing coffee next time I was around (also only meant as a friend with a sympathetic ear and understanding of the situation).

Before I knew it Daniel and I had formed our own little friendship. We spoke regularly on the phone whilst he was getting over Alison and before long our conversations became more frequent. After six months or so of friendship something changed and a relationship developed. I will admit that there were times I felt horribly guilty, but there were also times that I felt I was doing the right thing. Here I was completely in love with this man that Alison didn’t want, and had, at times, told me she despised. I was able to completely rationalise and justify to myself that this relationship was not only not wrong in any way, but completely right. After all, she didn’t want him, and boy I did.

After six months or so Alison became aware of my relationship with Daniel. Although completely shocked at first, Alison was actually quite supportive and wanted it to work out for Daniel and I. I am also very, very lucky that after Daniel and I stopped dating, that I was able to keep my friendship with Alison and to this day she is still a good friend of mine and I will always be grateful to her for being in my life.

I don’t think there really is an exact answer to whether or not its ok to get involved with your friends ex, and each individual relationship would be able to have its pros and cons weighed up. But here’s my advice. Ultimately if you are dating your friends ex you will eventually lose your friend in some capacity. Your loyalty will end up being to your partner and your friendship will suffer, so be prepared to give up that friendship as you currently know it. I strongly believe that relationships take work and if a couple is going through a break up, don’t get involved in the early stages. If you care about either party at all give them a chance to work things out before you come on the scene. Most importantly, be careful, there is no rational thinking when it comes to affairs of the heart and you don’t want yours to be the one that’s broken, with no friend there to turn to.

So would I do it again? No. I was lucky that I had an experience that turned out the way it did where I got to keep my friend (in fact we laugh about it now). But I value my friendships to highly to jeopardise them now … after all they are the ones there with the box of tissues, a bowl of ice-cream and some chocolate when a boy makes me cry.

 

Fake It Till You Make It

Break ups are bloody hard, for everybody, not just the yummy mummy. However I have to say that its my belief that break ups are always the hardest when they are involving children. As a mother you are worried about your kids, their poor little hearts and how they are coping, and as a woman you’re dealing with your own broken heart. It’s a juggling act each day which one comes first and gets more attention. And for the record, whether you’re the one being left or the one doing the leaving, serious relationships breaking down when kids are involved suck just as much on both sides.

I found it humiliating when my ex husband and I separated. I mean really its embarrassing having to admit to yourself that your partner no longer wants to be married to you, let alone anybody else. The worst part is running into people you haven’t seen for some time and having to explain your on your own now. The “oh’s” and “I’m so sorry” and the “you will meet someone else” really did my head in. Eventually I just started saying, “You know, I am actually fine, I have a gorgeous child and its for the best.”

I got used to the line, and one day after I said it, I realised with a shock, “Wow, I actually meant what I said.” I faked it, and I made it.

I am not a particularly huge fan of Katie Holmes, however post split with Tom Cruise, I really admire her poise, grace and dignity. Girlfriend has been snapped daily looking a million bucks but surely on the inside she is still coming to grips with beginning life as a single parent just like the rest of us mere mortals.

So girls, I know it’s hard, but slap on your makeup before you leave the house, wear the outfit you feel best in (no matter what time of day it is, even if it’s a sparkly mini skirt – wear it to breakfast), and force a smile. Hold your head high and put purpose in your step. Before long that smile will become real, and after all that faking, you will one day wake up and realise you have made it.

The Yummy Mummy … A Definition

In doing a little bit of research for this blog, like every great researcher, I consulted my good friend Google. I found a blog written by a gentleman named David Wygant in the UK. My Google search brought up “how to date a yummy mummy” and I instantly thought brilliant! There are instructions for men out there, read on! After about the third line I was mortified at the definition of the yummy mummy.

According to David, the yummy mummy is a woman who has been in a sexless marriage for the past four or five years and once her divorce is finalised she is a promiscuous tiger just waiting for some man to help her roar. They are looking for a man who makes them feel “yummy, delicious and tingly all over. Usually the yummy mummy’s are very naughty in bed because their husbands did not let the naughty girl come out and play.”

Ummm what??

I was shocked by this, and quite frankly a little embarrassed at the stereotype. I mean seriously is that what people think that a single, attractive woman already with children is after. “I already have my kids so to hell with a fulfilling relationship, I am happy to roar around non-committal for the next little while?” Dont get me wrong, I am all for the modern woman embracing her sexuality and getting a bit of her fifty shades on, but seriously, is that really a definition that single mummies want to identify them?

So I did some asking around with my male friends, I was very pleased to hear laughter and a bit of “Is that a joke?” when I showed them the tips from David. The general consensus I was able to get from the guys on what their opinions of a yummy mummy were was “a single mum that you look at and still think, wow, she’s smokin’! Now that’s a definition I am much more comfortable with.

I did a bit of soul searching and thought about what I would want somebody’s impression of my other single mummy friends and I to be, and I have decided on an official definition for the yummy mummy as follows:

“the yummy mummy is a beautiful woman both inside and out. Whether tall or short, big or small, blonde or brunette, she radiates a beauty, warmth and smile from the inside out. She is made of strength and character with an ability to love unconditionally. It is these qualities that make her the gorgeous, yummy mummy.”

Now thats a definition I am happy to be stereotyped with.

Commonsense … Making it Prevail

Common sense …. It’s a beautiful thing isn’t it? Defined as “exhibiting native good judgement”, common sense and love don’t often get put together in the same sentence. In reading this you may be already thinking “but this is just common sense.” Whether we are 17, 27 or 37, as soon as us girls fall in love, commonsense goes straight out the window along with our bad eating habits.

It is funny how the second a potential mate arrives on the scene, in whatever capacity; we have the ability to turn into deranged, AVO-worthy shadows of our former gorgeous selves. We vow that we are going to play it cool and wait for him to call. Before long we are checking our phone constantly to make sure we haven’t missed a call or text, spend all day on facebook making sure he hasn’t checked in anywhere before eventually concluding that he must have tried to call but the phone was in a “black spot” and didn’t have any reception. Now those with some self awareness are probably smirking to themselves or nodding along reading this, and those that aren’t, well ladies you need to have a little closer look!

As the writer of this post I don’t exclude myself from the failing commonsense category. And I think about all the times I did a little of my own facebook stalking while chatting to my friends in a whiney tone wanting to know why he hadn’t called me by a particular time and fully expecting my girlfriends to give me a valid rational answer.  I do ask myself the question, where was my commonsense? I am a grown, confident woman after all. But my commonsense was there, right along with the part of my brain that reminds me to wash my makeup off before I go to bed at night, and you know what, I ignore that from time to time too. When it comes to affairs of the heart, commonsense almost never prevails.

Love is wonderful, amazing, blissful, crazy, and at times, horrible ride. And it can knock our commonsense sideways … but in the end, the result of a loving relationship is worth it.